Time waits for no man

News this week of student Andrew Time, who waits on table at the ‘Cock and Bull’ Restaurant in Clapham, and has declared that he will no longer serve any men, only women. “Frankly waiting on men is unpleasant” he said with a grimace, “ They smell bad, spill soup on their fly and make inane jokes about it, call you Manuel, all that crap. Serving women makes waiting on table a real pleasure…”…. (Continued page 93)

Sorry ’bout that , here’s the real story….

by Edward Weird, Sciencey-kind-of-stuff correspondent

************

BBC online news April 26 2016 

Big Ben ‘bongs’ to be silenced for £29m refurbishment

Britain’s most famous clock tower is to fall silent so that urgent repair work can be carried out at a cost of £29m.

Parliament says it has no choice but to stop the chimes of Big Ben, after 157 years of nearly unbroken service, to prevent its mechanism from failing.

************

Shock mingled with anticipation rippled across the UK today, with the news that the great Marker of Time, a familiar sound to all of us, will cease in the very near future.

Ashen-faced Professor Justin Thenikov, speaking from Greenwich Observatory earlier today, had this to say,

“It’s a bit of a shocker to say the least. We have known that this would happen one day, but I suppose you could say that we in the scientific community have rather buried our heads in the sand.”

Why was he so worried? I asked Dr Larry Singuty of the Clapham and district Particle Accelerator Facility,

“ Why? Because Big Ben IS time in the UK. How often have you heard someone say, as the chimes ring out on the BBC, ‘Good Lord, is that the Time…’ recognising that it is indeed the Time chivvying us along through the austere and no-nonsense tones of that mighty clockwork master of the British Work Ethic.”

Dr Singuty went on to explain that as the bell was silenced, Time would cease to exist in the UK. People would have no ambition any more, as they would have nothing to look forward to. Only the endless present.

He continued, “Certain people have been banging on for ages about ‘live in the moment’ and ‘be in the eternal presence of Now’, you know, that kind of stuff. Well I can tell you they’re in for a shock. They’re going to have a real wake-up call when the Eternal Present comes round and slaps ‘em in the face saying ‘Time to put your money where your mouth is, sucker….. time to….Ha Ha get it!’,  that is assuming the Eternal Present has a better than average sense of humour.”

Professor Thenikov reassured me when I put this to him,  “Of course there’s nothing to be worried about because when the repair work is finished, we’ll restart Big Ben and life will continue as normal.”

When I pointed out to him that a process which would take place in the future had absolutely no chance of occurring within the newly established regime of the present moment, except as a concept in his mind, Professor Thenikov turned even more ashen faced, and walked off muttering about smartarse journalists.